Speed Reader
From Sockheads
Speed reader
Won't you tell me a bedtime story
Make it really fast and horny
Leave me be the morning time, time, time, time, ah
Speed reader
Ah, won't you tell me a tale tonight
Read it fast and read it right
Skip all of the boring highlights, yeah
Don't bother, ah
Reading between the lines
And baby don't you take your time
Speed reader
Speed reader
Read me a bedtime story
Make it really bloody and gory
Give me nightmares till I'm 40
Speed reader
[the text at the beginning reads:
Once upon a time in a castle made out of envelopes and used piñatas there was a short prince named Allen and his robot dog Dogbot. The two loved to creep and hide in the huge castle hallways, ducking in and out of rooms, running, laughing and sliding down staircases in burlap bags like those huge slides at amusement parks. Occasionally, Dogbot would fall over in the middle of running when his batteries would suddenly die.
“Darn these steam powered batteries to hell!” Prince Allen would cry. He would carefully pick up Dogbot and carry it up the the [sic] wizard’s private laboratory on the 7th floor of the castle.
“Did the batteries die AGAIN?!” the wizard would say, looking over his spectacles.
“Yeah, they suck man...I love playing with dogbot so much...I want him to always be on, but these steam powered batteries last such a short time...please help me.”
The wizard ran his fingers through his long beard and sat and thought for a while. “There may be a way”, he said slowly, “Only it could be extremely dangerous and may cost you your life.”
Allen’s eyes grew wide. “Dude, I like Dogbot a lot but I’m not gonna risk my damn life for him...Geez..it’s a toy...what the hell?...”
The wizard looked shocked. He picked up Dogbot and layed him in a solid gold box. “I made Dogbot as a companion for you,” said the wizard, “and since you are son to the King, it is my job to please you and make sure that Dogbot is the best robot dog companion since the one in the tv show ‘Battlestar Galactica.’” Allen shrugged his shoulders and left. Later that night in the wizard’s library, the tall magical man sat pondering on how to improve the dogbot, or at least creat a battery with longer life. “Perhaps I could fool the Prince”, he thought, “and simply put a real dog inside a robot suit. The Prrince would never know until the dog maybe ate something or went to the bathroom...it might work.” He went out into the night looking for a dog that would fit inside the pre-existing robot. None could be found. Though, he did manage to find some roots, fiberglass, onion skins, and dooorknob polish. The wizard took his findings up into the laboratory and began working. The most incredible thing was that he actually invented the “double A” battery and the plastic salad fork tosser thingy. Incredible.
“This has been my speech for the 1999 inventors of America Reunion Tour. I hope you have all enjoyed it and will enjoy the giant dogbot-shaped cake in the lobby. My wife, Dr. Gingham made it herself in honor of this wonderful gathering. Are there any questions? Yes...you in the back of the room.”
“What ever happened to Prince Allen?”
“Well, that’s a funny story and a good question actually. In 1964, archeologists actually recovered Prince Allen’s bones. He died still a Prince due to the fact that the King was immortal and never left the throne. While examining the bones, researchers discovered that his rib cage was twice the normal size of people of his time. They actually determined that this was due to his having a huge heart. Apparently, his love for dogbot made his life so wonderful that his heart grew and grew until eventually it killed him, oddly enough. Next question please...and folks, please, not everyone at once; yes you there in the front row.”
“Are the batteries we use today still made the same way that the wizard invented?”
“No. Next question please.”
“I was wondering; you mention that Prince Allen died a Prince and something about his father the King being a manhole...what did you mean?”
“Ha HA, no...I said ‘immortal.’ He never died...’manhole’...boy, that was funny. I know I shouldn’t laugh, the acoustics in this submarine are so poor, next question.]
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